Theme by nostrich.
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You know what kind of sucks in my Twitterverse right now? I mean, other than @biddygirl not being there with us in the good times. I think its a mixture of being yelled at by a toy that questions my sanity, and being underappreciated by everyone except my gorgeous fiancé, @Deliah_Blue. I mean lets take a look at what’s been happening in my life recently and we’ll see where we can go from there.
A few weeks back, I took my apprentice and former lover, @kitiyari_dreams, and another student @conslicee to the planet @ZonamaSekot to make checks on how well the Yuuhzan Vong were recovering and to see if we could find a way to rehabillitate them. I’m pretty sure my father, Kol Skywalker, would have wanted me to do the same. I told Kitty and Connor that I was taking them to get a Lambent crystal for their lightsabers, but really I just wanted some company on the flight and Blue was pretty busy helping some Mandalorians survive treachery and disaster.
The trip worked out pretty well for the two students - both received their crystals and left with a better relationship together and a better understanding on the Yuuhzan Vong. They were able to meet the living sentient planet, Sekot, and they experienced the extremity of the power of The Force on a living, breathing entity.
I had a bit of a different trip though. You see, Zonama told me that if I were to continue the way I was heading, I would end up walking the Darkside. I know @luke__skywalker had told me this before but for some arrogant reason, I believed the only way to the Darkside was temptation and in all reality, there are many ways to fall. You could go through desperation, through use of a technique, through improper thoughts, though choice. You could take the easy way out, you could let anger control you, you could misunderstand emotions or you could try to be controlling.
My flaw, of which I understand I have many but will only list a few now, is that in trying to share my love around too much, I hurt people. I care deeply for many, most importantly @deliah_blue, but also every member of the now non-existant #CadesHarem, and you out there in the Twitterverse. I developed emotional bonds with many and that was a problem because when I made one choice or explained my love for one particular person above all others, the canon to my balls as it were, no-one could really take it as a cause for celebration. What it meant, really, was that they weren’t in that position. That’s alienating and emotionally degrading and for that I am sorry to anyone caught up in this web.
Sekot told me that polygamy was more an act of selfishness, control, lust, distraction and wild wrecklessness than the way of a Jedi. I told him this was not true. I was arrogant, and when I tried to control my situation further with proposals of marriage to both Blue and Kitty, only Blue said yes. Perhaps it pushed Kitty away, or maybe Kitty never really wanted to be there. She’s a fragile girl hidden behind a confident exterior. Her shatterpoints - emotional and now physical - are some of the most insane lines I’ve seen. Volanoes and earthquakes shatter with more precision and less wreckless abandon than she. So Kitty showed Sekot’s words to be true, @Discogryff told me how she really felt and my relationships with everybody started to crumble.
The thing is, on everyone’s quest to either get over me, or express their anger at what I am, who I’ve been or where I’m heading, I think I am now underappreciated and overwhelmed. We have a medical center in Coruscant which I only became aware of due to Kitty’s own selfish endeavours leading to her near death. I’ve been saving lives of those around me for as long as I can remember, and doing as much as I can for the community but no-one truely changed or learns, do they?
Kitty’s now living with us in the castle - she attempted to go looking for Ani who I believe was kidnapped yesterday. Poor guy, definitely a Skywalker, it looks like his wife noticed the emotional bond between Kitty and he. I’ll admit, when I first noticed the signs I tried to push them away, but as we monitor Kitty’s comm upstairs, making sure she doesn’t plan any escapes til she’s healed, I picked up on a few and I can’t deny her emotions or the truth with which she speaks about them. I wish she’d perhaps told me, or that we’d never become involved. Then again, if I were in her shoes, how do you explain to someone that you’re leaving them for their great-great grandfather? I don’t think it’d be particularly easy, but that’s what she’s done.
I hope she’s happy, but I can’t help but feel pain when I read that she thinks @every1hatesAni cared more about her survival than me, or that he put more of his heart into it. Does she not realise how taxing on my body and existance that can be for me? Its a struggle enough to look at her in that state, much less organise and remain calm in the face of a panicing young Anakin. So much depending on so few decisions.
Still, as I said those few days ago, I will be a new Skywalker. I will take my heritage and legacy seriously and I will not let the darkside claim more.
I will miss that bond, but it is no longer mine and hers to share. I am excited for my engagement with @deliah_blue and I am stoked to see so many people getting involved in helping ensure the survival of something dear to us. I wish I knew where @every1luvspadme had gone, but I trust her. She was the youngest person to become Queen of Naboo, I’m sure she can handle a little emotional betrayal and pregnacy discomfort - a powerful woman she is, powerful and wise. She will return when she is ready. I’ve sensed it, much as I have sensed Anakin’s inner struggle and the cheapest place to get Tacos at four thirty am in Coruscant.
Some dialogue:
“*puts down comm and looks out the window* How did a Castle this size, with that many inhabitants become this empty and lonely?
*practices some Form VI: Niman to clear mind* Emotion, yet peace, Ignorance, yet knowledge, Passion, yet serenity, chaos yet harmony, death.
Death, yet the force. I … why can’t I let things die? Dad?
*puts saber down and sits on the floor* Must focus. Do not overcome emotions. Understand them and set aside their control.
I am sad because someone I love doesn’t love me. Why should they? It is no obligation. Is this my pride being affected? Do I mourn that I am incomplete, or that I am not the invincible and loved person I believe myself to be? Do I have things to be unjoyous about? Friends, fiancé, health, extraordinary abilities, responsibility. No, a set back for the heart is a lesson in life. Do I mourn that @zonamasekot was right - that jealousy and bickering would result from a Harem of poorly invested emotion? Maybe that I couldn’t control this. Is that what I want?
Do I want control? Do I want to be able to choose destinies? Master said preventing death is to oppose the Will of The Force. Is that it?
Maybe @kitiyari_dreams and I, or polygamy… I thought giving up deathsticks would be enough. The void I feel…
Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow will be a me and Blue day… Time to look to what I have, and not what I want. Lust, coveting, desire.. how can I not be content with all I have. Maybe @luke__skywalker’s right. Maybe I’m closer to the darkside than I thought. Closer to my own undoing. Able to reject the temptation of more power - power I do not crave, and power I am blessed to possess. Emotion. To understand you..
*opens eyes showing clear natural eye colour*
As long as she is happy, I am happy. @deliah_blue deserves my full attention. Anything less is disrespectful. Free. I feel free.
Time to start acting like a Skywalker”
I hope you’ve enjoyed the truth. At least from one perspective.
Cade
